Relationships – Page 4 – Thomas L. Haffner, LMFT, LLC

“Contempt is any statement or non-verbal behavior that places oneself on a higher plane than one’s partner.” (John Gottman – The Marriage Clinic).

Contempt can take many forms. Common expressions of contempt include mockery, ridiculing your partner’s grammar, feelings, thoughts or beliefs, and non-verbal facial expressions that send the message, “You’re an idiot.” The most common, contemptuous facial expression is the “eye roll” combined with an upturned corner of the mouth. It’s a look that says, “Give me a break,” or “I’m better than you.”

John Gottman discovered that a certain number of these corrosive, contemptuous facial expressions by husbands could actually predict the number of infectious diseases their wives would have over the next four years. When wives were contemptuous, their husbands’ illnesses became predicted by how lonely the husbands felt in the marriage.

Humor is often used as a “cover” or an excuse for contempt. “I was just joking” is a way to justify this behavior. Jokes are not healthy or helpful if one’s partner isn’t laughing. Healthy humor will bring people together. Contempt rips relationships apart.

The solution for contempt is for partners to view and treat each other as equals. Mutual respect and empathy, even in the midst of differences, is essential. Contempt is the most destructive of the Four Horsemen and must be eradicated from the relationship if it is to thrive.

In Part One we looked at how a complaint, even a valid complaint, can become an attack on your partner’s entire character by turning it into criticism. When people feel attacked, the typical reaction is to defend. The second horseman is defensiveness. Essentially, it is any attempt to protect oneself from a perceived attack.

In marriage, defensiveness deflects responsibility onto one’s partner. “I didn’t take the trash out because you forgot to remind me” or, “If you wouldn’t nag me, I wouldn’t get so angry” or, “You think I’m late all the time? You’re always late for everything!” Rather than something being my problem or our problem it’s your problem.

Defensiveness usually takes a victim stance. “I’m the innocent one here. YOU are the problem.” There is typically a whining tone that accompanies the excuse. In the old song Charlie Brown by The Coasters the boy that constantly gets in trouble says, “Why is everybody always picking on me?” Everyone is actually wondering when Charlie Brown is going to grow up and take school seriously.

Defensiveness is a reaction to a “perceived” attack. It may or may not be an actual attack, but it feels like one to the defensive person. Some people have difficulty accepting any sort of correction or complaint against them for various reasons. Some people deflect responsibility because they know that taking responsibility requires a change in their behavior. Change usually implies some sort of effort or prioritizing.

Defensiveness hurts relationships because it fuels the cycle of attacking each other rather than attacking the problem together. The antidote is to accept one’s role in the problem. Take responsibility for yourself and avoid blaming your mistakes or failures on others.

Category: Relationships

The Four Horsemen Part Three: Contempt

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Part Two: Defensiveness